just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
