There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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