This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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