You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
