It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
