Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We need to get me chipped asap
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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