Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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