I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
