I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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