So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize