my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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