Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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