so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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