If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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