I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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