just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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