remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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