Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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