My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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