so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
