he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
