Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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