just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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