The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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