i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
