how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize