my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
