what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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