There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
