A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
