quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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