She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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