I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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