I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
