I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
