Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
