When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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