I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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