he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
