When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
