I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
