i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
