Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
