Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
soo... how was my night?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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