I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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