God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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