It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
