just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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