I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
