found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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