I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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