I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize