the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
