I am puke
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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