need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize