We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
