Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
