I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
