i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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