the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
