weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
