I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
