Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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