Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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