Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
