yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
