Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
