omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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