My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
