Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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